John came back late and we went to bed late and we talked. I’m not saying it isn’t enjoyable at the time, being in his arms, but it was three before I could sleep. I couldn’t get back to sleep after nine so got up while John slept on as usual. I lacked energy and judgment. I managed to shop, only forgetting the washing-up liquid which John uses, when he does use it, too much of. He was readying to leave, as usual; couldn’t wait to get away. “Why?” I decided to ask: he’d got his drugs yesterday, he’d left a message for Alan to do with the drug to get him off drugs and wasn’t phoning Mrs Patel about a job till Monday because her father was dying. John was going to see Duggie. “Why? So this is for pleasure? So Why,” I added sotto voce, “isn’t Duggie paying for the travel card,” going on to say something else as I went to the kitchen. “What did you say!” I repeated what I’d said. “What did you say before?” “Why isn’t Duggie paying for your travel card?” “I don’t need your money. I can pay for myself.” “By stealing. And if you do you might as well pack your bag now and go.” He was interred in the bathroom and unewilling to come out. “Oh no,” I said, “you may throw everything over on an impulse. I don’t. I’m waiting.”
On the stairs I went on about it’s not only being his failure but mine. And I think somewhere the term ‘last chance’ got a mention, which was the whole point: he’s given himself and being given a last chance to give up drugs. Fat chance is what I was saying, for all his bruited great love of me there was no sign of his giving up his greater love of drugs. He’s had two chances to already, one with me, and I thought he had till he went onto some heroin substitute and asked, having come off heroin, could he have a treat, of heroin.
At the station I had to be told a counter was open. I handed John travel card and £10 and turned my back without a word. The anger briefly lifted on sight of Leslie at whom I smiled and waved, then at Matt behind him and who probably thought I was waving at him in the first place. At anyrate he pointed into the bus to indicate he was getting on it, same one as Leslie.
The anger was genuine enough but probably manipulative.
Next morning we had a serious talk before he went off which covered everything, emphasising the drug-taking. He might Have me because he wanted me but if he wants drugs, what he already had, more, he doesn’t want me in toto so I’ve an out. Things are looking up on the job front and at least access to the way to come off them.