Lapse

I’m going to put in the end of the last post here for easy access because it was the updated part which Facebook doesn’t show:

He was in bed all day, at death’s door, with a cold. He recovered sufficiently to want to go out late and with another £5 to add to the one he hadn’t spent day before off he went for tobacco and a trip to Hammersmith where he met up with his mamesake or rather the man whose name he’ll give by agreement on any encounter with police for their initial check. While he was away, Yvann buzzed without appearing at the door. Leslie passing asked had I been buzzed. Yes, by Yvann, probably to be let in as he often does. On my going out again I spied John other side wall. He came in, having just missed being seen by Leslie. Yvann buzzed again to come up. “Somebody’s with me.” “John?” “Yes.” “All right, mate.” Finally, “What’re you doing?” “Taking out the rubbish,” for collection next day. “Actually I’m going down to see my young lover.” “I knew it.”

I’m going to add my incomprehension at the importance he was imputing to a false address for any initial police stopping of him. The implication he wanted inferred was he’d achieved something constructive. All I had to do was make that implication and reverse it on my doubt into he’d been doing something destructive. I didn’t.

Last night he came back from pursuing the restaurant job fairly drunk. I fed him lamb steak etc reheated by microwave and a glass of good wine. I asked if he was depressed and eventually said, “Something is wrong. What is it?”

He confessed, tears running – a facility of his I envy – he’d had heroin day before from these people he visited in Hammersmith. I wasn’t angry or anything. I’d already factored in beforehand if he did lapse there was nothing I could do about it and that I wouldn’t kick him out on account of it. I did do my best though. He was blaming the scumbags he went to who kept phoning him to have him support them by shoplifting, using him. He hadn’t told me of their phoning. I pointed out he knew what they were when he went to them and it was his responsibility for succumbing; he couldn’t really blame them. I was more interested why he’d done it since it went against his decisions otherwise for himself. He’d said he couldn’t take heroin and work for example. He had himself decided to be detoxed. He put the lapse down to the pressure on him of finding work, which wasn’t happening soon enough, and of a bolthole, some little of that pressure being from me but not on the day itself he admitted. So why? If he had the bolthole, I said, he’d be freer to have his lapses without its affecting me. I want to add here I’d told him my usual practice on being lied to was to use that as an excuse to be rid of the liar. That might be why he confessed the truth. He had lied to me to cover up his lapse his detoxer however was on to. I advised he confess too to his detoxer and take responsibility for it rather than blame others. It’s up to him whether he does or not. He went on to ask if I wanted him to leave. I wanted to watch Shameless. He wanted reassurance. He got it, especially next morning.

It’s a lapse. I don’t know at what point I’d act to be shot of him and the consequences to me, maybe too late. I have no idea what I’m doing.

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About johnbrucecairns

I'm a retired history teacher who's written for most of his life with a book readied for publication.
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