I don’t miss John at all. What’s to miss: being a criminal for harbouring a fugitive? That’s enough without detailing his liability. For me this hiatus is respite and reversion.
I spent a day with Yvann. Little to report there. He’s paid back £16 of the money he owes. The characteristically odd physical intimacy of the relationship persists and progresses. “Am I being unfaithful?” I asked him. I’m not but feeling each other’s semi-erections inadvertently incited by whatever was said is tacking pretty close – to being ten again in the playground. Yvann also admitted to more homosexuality than being fellated by a man, when he’d been segregated with other boys and that he was wishing to rationalise as not being homosexuality, not really. It is what it was.
Then there’s Matt, who I once desired. I think I mentioned his unconsciously waiting for me in the street. This time I was led to him in the lending library in my pursuit of a book containing an innovative layout of notes my publisher has a recurring obsession with. The book was ordered for me by the reference library and I wanted to know from lending when it might be picked up. Matt was hovering fraught and in a desultory fashion by some stacks. I acknowledged and, having found out what I wanted to know from the staff, approached him to say he looked fraught. He was concerned with good and evil and afraid of being gay. So long as you fear, I assured, you won’t be. He’s deranged. I told him the boyfriend was in detox. Now was a good time if he wanted to talk; he knew where I lived. Matt is self-concerned and -centred enough to believe I was pursuing him there or that he’s desirable or lovable.
Talking of self-concerned, self-centred and self-important, finally there’s Quentin, who unexpectedly defriended me on Facebook for fantasising I was a ghoul left behind in his flat unprovided for and eating up any burglar or policeman who entered. Since Quentin writes horror fantasy, it didn’t occur to me that this would be taken as anything other than humour. What a fool, I concluded on the defriending, but then that might be said of any of defective mankind; I didn’t say it. Yvann had met Quentin in a Richmond street and exchanged a phatic conversation with him.