I was talking to Pat, “There he is. Matt. Matt! Don’t run away. What’s wrong? How do you feel about my getting your feelings that time?” He’d rather I hadn’t. It wasn’t as if I’d had any conscious choice, no more than he had in transmitting them, I said, going on to state the unconscious coordination that must’ve been involved. I recapitulated the feelings then: ‘I don’t want to face him; I just want to bale; I can’t sit over the computer doing nothing waiting for him to leave,’ asking had he articulated them as I had while feeling them, stressing that, while I was, I was taking them as mine, because that’s the way it works, but that I’m unselfconcerned and have moral courage whereas he was totally self-concerned and hadn’t an iota of moral courage, that the only thing stopped him momentarily on the stairs was seeing me and fear of my anger if he didn’t acknowledge me, an external curb. He didn’t say he had articulated them and I suspect not. I asked had the feeling lifted from him as it had me once he was clear. He didn’t know. I suggested he try making himself face up to whatever he wanted to run from. (I later admitted this contradicted my saying consciousness didn’t determine, as he was believing, what the unconscious effected, citing as evidence its tuning me into his emotions at the same time it was switching them on in him.) I went on: he couldn’t have a relationship on the basis of self-concern since it can only be activated negatively, as I had activated it, as anybody sooner or later must, the occasion, not the cause, of what must’ve been there a long time. “What you’re saying is I can’t relate to anybody.” “Don’t you have another emotion that can take you to somebody?”
He said he was paranoiac, and when that didn’t wash, that he was homophobic. That didn’t wash either though a clue to what might. He claimed different schizophrenic personas which I dismissed as two sides to the same person. “I might be lying,” he said though I can’t remember the context. “Yes.” So what? The reason , I said, hadn’t come across with the emotion. “Was it something I said time before? to do with homosexuality?” While acceding it was, he didn’t specify what but it confirmed what I’d deduced of his deciding against me for the sake of an unsubstantiated generalising idea of himself as heterosexual, and why I’d reciprocated by deciding against him but, unlike him, had felt I should tell him and had been going to when suborned by his blast of funk. “I can’t give you what you want,” he said. “What do I want?” Answer came there nane. “You’re not my friend,” I went on, “you don’t know what’s for my good, whereas I know what’s for yours.” “You are my friend,” he summed up, saying he wanted to go away to think about what I said, but I wanted to make as sure as I could I’d covered everything before letting him evade. I’m not sure I had covered everything before he finally, determinedly pulled away and was not sure what good it might do him since the usual pincer movement wasn’t involved so far as I could see, that of his unconscious being activated and my facing the effect since the only thing activated was his evasion and that pertained at the end. For me to have been ameliorative his unconscious would need to be changed to a degree and I have to doubt making him face up to one problem, namely me, will have done that. He has been, though, an interesting case who gave me novel experiences etc and that’s more important than my having done him good though I’m sure to have done all I could.