I’d worked out he’d made a decision against me, irrespective of whether he had said, ‘we’re not kissing,’ at the time I was being submissive or not, because with his subsequent ‘hug’ for his having taken me in his arms, as if I couldn’t tell the difference between being hugged and being taken into arms! his not knowing his desire wasn’t fantasy, his insistence he’d said we weren’t kissing, by his morally cowardly self-protective lying, he was deciding against me and I was not going to submit to that but decided against him: love and desire had to go. I would have to tell him.
He was in the library, no seat beside. I became emotionally distraught, describing my feelings in an email to fill up the time while I waited, just wanting to bale (or bail) out. It had been so long since I felt so young in my feelings. I couldn’t just wait with nothing to do there but waited outside on a couch. Shortly he came out. I stood up. On turning in the stairs he saw me, saying hi with an emotionally worried look on his face but didn’t wait; he just wanted to get away from me. He was the one bailed (or baled). He knew without my saying. I’d been tuned in to his emotion. I was clear of it in no time. And I hadn’t pushed him into proving he was heterosexual though his having sex with anybody would be a good thing.
The not kissing had been the critical moment, the turning point; he decided against me.